Shoulda coulda woulda  

In Ayutthaya, 2013

In Ayutthaya, 2013

Honestly, I don’t like writing in English that much. But it’s like homework to me, since I’m preparing for the GRE. Cannot be ready if I don’t ameliorate my vocabulary and writing skill real FAST. So bear with me if you are annoyed with a Vietnamese blogger blabbering in English about her pedestrian daily life or her feelings as well as the presence of some pretentious words (after all, that is what GRE is all about – pretentious, bombastic wording). I’m simply practicing here.

Okay, let’s getting straight to the point.

Lately, I started looking back on the past with some regret. Like, I should have studied vigorously at college, I shouldn’t have idled my youth away when I was a teenager, I shouldn’t have spent so much time dating boys who were bad influence – you know, stuff like that. Turns out, I can enjoy studying a lot after all, even devoting much of my time to it. I went so far as to avoid developing serious feelings for any boy, anyone at all, so that I can focus on my studies. It’s kinda strange to me, since I have never been so serious about studying before. I was not a bad student at college, yet I never took it seriously. And I never knew that my failure to study wholeheartedly then would later affect my future. Since I don’t have a very nice GPA (it’s okay, but far from being high enough to get me to where I want to be, I suspect so), all I have to do right now is to try to cover up for what was really missing.

I should have had a plan. I should have worked harder.

I keep pestering myself with those thoughts.

I know I should just mind my own business, but because of all those regrets, I started giving younger friends…advice. Yeah, advice, like I am good at giving advice and being an example or something. I truly believe, however, that if younger people live more responsibly, study religiously, do volunteer work, and try hard to build up a nice CV whilst at college by taking part-time jobs, their efforts will pay off in the future, very soon.

I started to realize, not so long ago, that opportunities were everywhere. Literally. When I failed big at something last month, my friend told me something that I later found very true: “You keep knocking on a single door, and you complain when it does not open for you. Stop! There are plenty of other doors waiting for you out there!”.

Turns out she’s right. I was torturing myself for months as I delayed quitting my job, because I was so afraid that it would hurt my CV terribly if I did so. I was also afraid that I would not last for a month without a full-time job. But that was all bullshit. Having no full-time job is not necessarily synonymous with disorientation or an empty wallet if you do have a good plan. I fired me to give myself a shot at something I really wanted to do.

I’m not sure if people care a lot about my employment status, but I am confident that they care more about my performance. And because I have time on my hands, I actually have more control of my life and become more creative. Plus, I can do everything I want now – by that I mean things that help polish my CV, not just things like watching a movie at 3pm at a price twice cheaper, though it counts too. For example, I have attended great events during office hours, applied for dozens of different international and domestic competitions and fellowships, and spent hours brainstorming for a great essay.

Now I realize that it’s all about devotion and having the balls to follow what you truly believe.

But I realized it pretty late. I should have…

Yeah, these kinds of thoughts start to come again. I am getting tired of myself.

P/s: there is no pretentious words except “ameliorate” (dreadful!), I should have tried harder.



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